After a few moments in prayer the other day, I was startled by the sudden appearance of a glowing white light which, when my eyes adjusted to the brightness, turned out to be an angel holding a pen and clipboard.
“Hail!” he said. (The standard salutation used by angels, I’m led to believe). “I’m from the newly created customer services division of the Angelic Host, and you recently used our prayer service to commune with the Lord. I would very much like you to answer a few questions about your experience of our service. It’ll only take a few moments of your time and will help us to improve our service to all mankind.”
Aargh! I awoke with a scream from what I slowly realised had been a nightmare. I rose from my bed and instantly stubbed my toe on a stone tablet that had materialised in my bedroom. Carved into it in beautifully curlicued script was the legend, ‘How was your first breath this morning? The air you breathed was provided by The Created Universe PLC, and we are conducting a survey on their behalf to establish the popularity and usefulness of the product. On a scale of 1 (Extremely unlikely) to 10 (Extremely likely), how likely is it that you would recommend breathing to your family and friends?’
As the pain in my toe subsided, I realised that I had not actually awoken, and that the nightmare had continued.
Forcing myself from slumber (properly, this time), I eventually performed my morning ablutions, dressed, and proceeded downstairs to fire up the computer to read my emails.
I had been hoping for emails:
- from friends wanting to arrange a meeting for coffee or a trip out.
- from those favourite relatives or friends who live too far away to see regularly, imparting lots of lovely news.
- from someone unexpected re-establishing communication after a long silence.
- from Alwyn telling me I’d won the lottery.
Instead, what I found were multitudinous emails containing the phrases:
- tell us what you thought about your recent purchase.
- share your recent experience of our service.
- we can’t wait to hear what you thought of…
- help others by filling out our satisfaction survey.
- tell us how we did.
Had I woken from my nightmare or not? It’s very hard to say…
Cheap and easy communication has led to us being besieged by surveys. I hate them and refuse to participate in any of them. They are a curse of modern life. Some seekers of my ‘opinions’ are incredibly persistent. Two or three reminders to complete the survey are not uncommon.
Join me and refuse to engage with all this nonsense. Rumour has it that only the highest and lowest scores are recorded anyway. Since I mentioned Ringwood’s loos last time, how long before we must fill out a satisfaction survey before the door will unlock? Stop me even going there!
Oh! A sudden clap of thunder and a booming voice from above: ‘Tell us how we did with your recent nightmare. We, at Sleep Surveys PLC, would love to hear from you.’
Tony
