A Selection of Recent Facebook Posts
On ‘picking for teams’
I hated with a vengeance the process known at school as ‘picking teams’. Why, you may ask? Well, you’ll have had an equivalent person to me at your own school. I was that ‘speccy, fatty no-mates’ standing at the end of the line looking miserable. (I hated Sport in all its forms… and I still do.)
It will come as no surprise to you that I was always, and I mean always, the last to be picked.
My reception into my new team was somewhat underwhelming. Unabated groans of despair and angry mutterings were the music that accompanied my journey to join my team, but only after the captain had declared, “Oh no! I suppose we’ll have to have Clarke then.”
I didn’t blame them: I was useless, and much more of a hinderance than a help. If I ever did get the ball, which was very unlikely as my teammates wisely kept it far away from me, I would kick and miss, or pass it straight to the opposition’s star player, or find some other way to lose it ignominiously.
I therefore must take issue with the assertion in your post that maintains: ‘If you are picked last, you have no hope in life’. Rather too damning, I feel. My talents lay elsewhere, and I think I’ve done pretty ok over the years… but not at Sport.
Quiz Reports
A couple of weeks ago, my fellow quizzers were suggesting that my reports on our matches were not sufficiently upbeat. As one who is always ready to rise to a challenge, here are two reports that I’ve written since…
29 January 2024
Good morning, everybody! (Good morning, Doctor Nick.) Tigger here, bouncing my cheery way into exciting news about last night’s stupendous question-and-answer session, with the added spice of cordial competitiveness thrown into the mix. 
. Hey, can you guess the fantastic results that I’m here to impart? Defying our very positive expectations, it was with great joy and gladness that we merrily forged our way to a ‘not-winning’ situation in both parts of the cheerfully-interactive endeavour.
[Those of you who are wondering if I’ve had a stroke or finally lost my marbles, that was my attempt at an upbeat report of last night’s losses. I have been told my Monday reporting of our quiz results is too dour, so I was asked to liven things up a bit (or, rather, a lot).
As one whose natural demeanour makes Eeyore seem positively ebullient, I felt this was something of a challenge, given that I am, in the main, reporting losses, but, hey-ho, I’m giving it my best shot.]
5 February 2024
Howdy there, folks. I expects yous all getting yerselves in a moither ‘bout what was a-going on at the quizzin’ shootout las’ evenin’ at the OK Corral. Well, dang me, if I ain’t got you some of that there exciting noos.
The KH Infidels came a-riding into town all a-swagger, figurin’ they’d be takin’ over without a fight, but we was waitin’ for ‘em. Hidin’ behind our barrels, we started a-shootin’ away, but they was too smart, an’ they set ‘bout inflictin’ some heavy carnage on us. An’ so the gunfight raged on ‘til we was starin’ down that there barrel of defeat.
Jus’ when all looked grim, we mustered our spirits an’ we begun shootin’ like we was bats outta hell. We was gainin’ ground rapid-like, but, time the ammo ran out, we was still a-trailin’ and we was left in one of they not-having-won situations.
Then followed the dash for the saloon. In the ensuin’ punch-up, it fell that both gangs was as alike as two longhorns in a rodeo, and, as the dust settled and the tumbleweed blew along the street once more, we came to realising neither gang was leadin’ and so we calls it a draw. No moneybags was exchanged.
Well, I needs to be moseying along now. Be seein’ ya soon.
Wishbone
Nationwide changes its logo.
9 October 2023
When I first saw the new Nationwide logo, I perceived it as two dimensional. I thought it was the gable end of a house with smoke issuing from the chimney. That, or more fancifully, a house just about to be eaten by a giant Pac-Man. It was only when a friend explained that it was meant to be viewed as a sort of trompe l’oeil three dimensional representation of a house with the sun rising behind it. Now I’ve seen it, it’s obvious, but I was certainly puzzled by it at first. D’oh!
Larry Lives!
25 September 2023
[Following a news report that Larry, the feline resident of 10, Downing Street, was very under the weather.]
Tissues away everyone. Larry is reportedly alive and well. Reports of his impending demise were somewhat premature.
14 January 2024
(photo by Justin Ng)
Larry of Downing Street had his 17th birthday yesterday, 13th January 2024
Let’s hear it for Larry…Putin’s most successful secret agent (allegedly).
Can your washing reveal your personality?
8th September 2023
Any sharp-eyed amateur psychologists notice anything worrying about the way I hang my washing? Do I need to seek professional help? 
. [Hint: You need to zoom in on the picture.]
[The more observant of my friends noticed that each item of washing has matching pegs. I do it pretty much automatically and thought I might have OCD, but I discovered that I am not alone in doing this.]
Ubiquitous Kid
23 August 2023
Sorry. My covid brain insists that I ask. Is there anyone out there who did NOT have a kid in their infant/primary class whose NHS specs were held together by a disgustingly-dirty bit of old-style fabric Elastoplast? I feel this is a phenomenon worthy of greater investigation. Your input will be appreciated. 
[I just assumed that this kid was in every person’s school experience. I was wrong, judging by the fact that almost no one commented. Maybe it was just a Nottinghamshire mining town thing.]
Has Popeye been told?
13 July 2023
Modern life is confusing. What has Olive done that we are getting all these ‘Just Stop Oyl’ protests?
[Well, suffice it to say I thought it was funny. Seemingly, no one else did.]